Since I haven’t posted much in recent years, here’s a recap of my love life since coming out as a LIL lesbian (LIL=late in life, not sure if someone came up with that already, but I like the sound of it!)…
The one that started it all:
My first sapphic relationship just kind of happened. I intentionally formed a friendship with a much younger girl (16 years younger), and once it was clear that we really liked each other, I confided in her one night about my feelings. The very next day, we were inseparable and spending every other night at each other’s houses. We were madly in love. I knew she had trauma, but I was willing to stay present and be there for her.
Just like every lesbian’s first sapphic relationship, it was intense and woke up parts of me that I didn’t even know existed. But it was short lived. After a year of being together, I bought us a house. It wasn’t just for me, it was for us.
Shortly after moving in together in our new home, things changed and they changed quickly. The TLDR version is that she met someone at her new job and became obsessed with her. Even though I’d ask about her feelings for this 21 year old, I was gaslit and told that I’m crazy. I caught her in lies, to which her response was to have a mental breakdown and lock herself in the bathroom, so that I’d feel bad for her.
Eight months, later, I caught her with this girl, at an AirBNB that was 1.5 hours away, the day after I found out that my father died.
The one I wanted, but was never going to happen:
I spent months in therapy, and several months later, was set up by a mutual friend of a dog trainer in Florida. Since distance was a thing, we both set our intentions of getting to know each other virtually, and would see each other when she came to Maine periodically (her mother has a lake house here). I honestly don’t even recall how long this went on for, but I do know that after the first 7 months, I realized that she been waiting for someone from her past to come back. This person had breadcrumbed her for years, and she took the bait every time.
Despite me offering to come down to FL to take her to a concert she desperately wanted to go to, she declined and apparently planned to go with this woman from her past, who stood her up. I was a bit upset, but mostly with myself for holding out for someone for that long (though to be fair, I didn’t know about this other woman until 7 months in). I had been her emotional support during child custody battles, among many other things. We texted literally all day, every day. For someone to know what my daily life is like, that is a form of intimacy for me.
So yeah, it hurt, but I got through it. I had known she was emotionally unavailable in many ways, but I didn’t know that it was because she was holding out for someone to come back.
I can work with one of those things, but not the latter.
The one that hurt the most:
Oddly enough, the one that hurt the most and took me the longest to get over, was the shortest actual relationship I’ve ever had, which was just 6 months. I really had high hopes for this one, and it felt so good for the first 5 months or so. I met her children, I spent the holidays with them and her siblings, their families, and her mother. That was the best Christmas I’ve ever had in my life. A few weeks later, she went off on me when I asked if we were okay, since I had felt the shift in her. She berated me with nonsense, then ran out of my house one night. After saying we could have an actual conversation about it, she just…didn’t and chose to essentially ghost me. I was left out to dry and put out with yesterday’s trash. That is what it feels like to be with a dismissive avoidant. Literally the worst. I suffered silently for over a year. I spoke to my therapist a couple of times about it, but honestly the suffering was so ingrained and quiet that I just wanted to work my way through it, without even talking to friends about it.
The first one destroyed the foundation of mental health that I had worked so hard on for years. This second one cracked the foundation of those healed parts, but I was able to repair it. It just took some time to do so.
Here’s the thing, I don’t get OVER my shit, I get THROUGH my shit. There’s a big difference.
Getting on the apps in 2026:
After a very short stint on the apps in 2025 (and only went on one date), I retired for months and retreated back to wanting nothing to do with dating.
But in the summer of this year, I decided to give it another go, getting on two apps. Facebook Dating is kind of a joke, as I have matched with many women, but only about 1 in every 10 actually respond to me when I send the first message. It’s ridiculous, why are you even on here and why are you liking women’s profiles, but not engaging after?
I have had much better luck on Hinge, matching with several women and nearly ALL of them have at least engaged in conversation. I’ve actually had a handful of first dates and even dated someone briefly this summer. Truly mind blowing!
The one who I really got to put my lessons learned into practice:
I met a woman who I really hit it off with quickly. It felt healthy though, as I was still taking it slow. We had 4 dates and talked on the phone a lot (in hindsight, too much). It was going so well, until the final week where the mask came off.
She texted me late one night and said she needed to end things because of the one hour driving distance. This wasn’t something she had ever brought up prior, and neither had I. So it was very out of the blue, but I responded with respect and kindness and said that I understood and offered friendship. She immediately retracted what she had said, and we had a phone conversation, where I asked her if she was self-sabotaging. She said yes, she was. So, we worked through that.
A few nights later, she did the same thing by sending a late night text and wanted to end things. I can’t even remember the reason this time, but I responded with the same thing I had said previously, that I respected her decision and offered friendship. This set her off.
She said that she knew I would respond this way, and turned it around to say that I was looking for an easy way out. At that point, I realized that she was manipulating me.
I’m sorry, but life is going to test us enough on its own. We don’t need to be intervening and testing each other to try and prove what our anxious brains have been telling us all along (which are lies). I then ended things with her, explaining explicitly that I don’t tolerate the push/pull thing. It’s not romantic to me, and it’s not behavior I will ever engage in. And certainly not after 5 weeks of dating. It took 3 phone conversations of me calmly explaining this. After that last call, I thought it was done. But then shortly after, my phone started blowing up with notifications. Not just texts that I didn’t respond to, but then came the Instagram messages, the FB messages, etc. I had to block her on every social media platform, including Spotify and LinkedIn (which I can laugh about now), and had to block her on the FB pages that I’m an admin on as well. I saw the messages and could see her going through the stages of (waves finger in the air) whatever that was. From apologizing at first, then saying outlandish things that made no sense, then calling me a narcissist, and finally, saying that she knew what was really going on, which was that I was seeing someone else. I was absolutely not.
So a big bullet dodged there and I’m quite proud of myself for standing up and not accepting childish, toxic behavior. There were feelings involved, and I freely admit that. But once that toxic side came out, I immediately got the ick. I’m grateful that this happened after just 5 weeks.
First dates (sigh):
After that awful experience, I took another break for a few weeks, then put myself back out there. I matched with a woman who I seemingly had a lot in common with. She was a mother with corporate job, and lives in my hometown.
I planned a really nice first date, which included grabbing food to eat picnic style at my favorite place with the most beautiful views. MOFF (Maine Outdoor Film Festival) was doing an event there on a Friday night. So we got to walk around before it started, got to enjoy sandwiches and snacks, and then watched the short films in the dark, outside while the sun was setting. I even brought chairs, blankets, and hoodies for us both.
From a date perspective, it went very well. I’d honestly say perfectly. But I also don’t hook up or cross lines on a first date. After all, we’re literally just meeting for the first time. Shouldn’t we make sure we like each other in person? Then do a second date, where flirting and vibing happen? Then onto whatever comes next…a passionate first kiss, and then go from there? That’s the speed I want to move at. Trust me, I’m no prude. There is nothing I want more than to flirt, vibe in the bedroom, and talk about what we like.
The next day, I felt the vibe change. Less than usual texts. So I was straight up and asked her about it a couple days later. At that point, she said she got more of a friendship vibe than romantic vibe. AFTER ONE DATE. But she proceeded to say how “rad” I am and that she wishes she felt differently. Well, I can almost guarantee that she’d have felt differently after just one more date. We still text each other on occasion, so at least she actually meant the friendship thing. She’s a good person, but I can definitely see her repeating patterns that she told me about from her previous relationship. A lot of women want everything up front, without having to work for literally any of it. They want the butterflies, which is just anxiety dressed up with a bow.
I want peace, I want emotional safety. That doesn’t come after one date.
I will publish a second piece about this very thing in a “Part Two” post.
My next first date:
Shortly after that last one, I went out with a young veterinarian. Not really much to say here, but we did have a great time and talked for literal hours after visiting an animal shelter.
However, there was something off and I couldn’t place my finger on it. I took a full day to reflect on the date and figured it out.
We are in very different places in our lives. While I could talk to her for hours about animals and family trauma, that doesn’t change the fact that I’m settled in this life that I built and her life is basically just getting started. I explained this to her, and she was appreciative for my honesty. She also had not dated women (or anyone) before, as she married a man at a young age. I don’t want to be an experiment for someone who isn’t sure about what they want. I know what I want and am confident in that.
The last first date:
This one hurt a bit, but that’s because I had high hopes since she is a therapist. I was careful not to put her on a pedestal, but was hopeful that she would understand why a slow burn will result in a better long term outcome. I was mistaken.
After a wonderful first date of mini golf (her choice), a walk on the beach with good, comfortable conversation, she friend zoned me. Except I don’t think she even wanted a friendship. It took her almost a full week and then cancelled our second date, which had been scheduled. This took me off guard, since she had said immediately after the first date what a great time she had. I asked her for feedback, and what she said didn’t make much sense, but I didn’t fight it because I don’t chase.
She said that she wanted to be more flirty in person, and wanted to text less. I’m not sure how we can be flirty in person if we didn’t even get a second date.
Again, I will talk about this in my “Part Two” post.
Cat Shit Crazy Dog Mom 