My Eulogy….

If someone other than me is reading this to a room with just a few people, that means I didn’t make it. Something or someone took my life. You assholes better be taking care of my animals, that’s all I really care about.

So whoever is reading this should be reading it in my tone of voice, preferably as a ventriloquist with my body off to the side. Just kidding, they better have cremated me.

Let’s talk about the important people and things in my life that made a significant impact. First and foremost, I’d like to give a shout out to Dairy Corner for always having those ice cream cone holders for messy fucks like me. The very few people who really knew me, knew that I could never possibly eat ice cream in a cone without assistance. I was traumatized as a small child when I was with my father in the Maine Mall. We had just gotten cones at the ice cream place that was across from York’s Steakhouse. I was walking through the mall, holding my cone, when all of a sudden, the ice cream fell off the top. It landed on the floor of the mall, right next to a car they had on display. My father ripped into me HARD. He wasn’t used to actually being a parent and had no idea that kids make messes. In my opinion, it’s his own fault for letting his little kid walk around with a mother fucking ice cream cone indoors in public. What a twat. He better be dead by now.

Anyways, I digress. Back on topic….

Dairy Corner, major props for the safety cone holders and also for always giving Peach way too much vanilla in her doggy dish. She appreciated that. Me, not so much.

On the flip side, Dairy Corner, shame on you for not making Almond soft serve a staple on the menu, like I advised several times on social media. That’s just bad business.

Ok moving on….

Thank you ever so much to Papa Gino’s. Papa, you made me happier than any human being ever did over the years. I remember All You Can Eat Tuesday’s back in the day when you actually had a location in southern Maine near the mall. I used to slay on Tuesday nights. Fuck that strip mall for kicking you out. Actually, I’m not sure if they kicked you out or you left. Either way, what a major inconvenience for me to have to travel to New Hampshire for the next closest location. And what a loss of business for you.

A major thank you to all the guys I went on dates with over the course of my adult years as a single woman in her 30’s. You all showed me that age doesn’t matter. MOST guys are assholes at all stages of life. Notice how I said MOST. The 22 year old was probably the kindest guy I dated, but he looked so young I just couldn’t do it. Kinda wished I allowed third base to happen in the movie theater that time. My bad. Sorry, Justin C.

My apologies also go out to the guy from the gym that I dated for a solid 2 week period. He was supposed to be a one night stand, but ended up being a wild 2 week stand. I ended it because he was too immature and irresponsible. And also because he said he used to do cocaine and would still be doing it if he could afford it. I regretted my impulsive decision to end it right after my 1.5 year relationship with an older guy who lied to me about his cocaine use (and everything else). I found out after from others that he was a coke head, but not before he had used me for many thousands of my hard earned dollars that I never saw any repayment on. He was the biggest mistake of my life. A big FUCK YOU to that con artist.

I’d be remissed if I didn’t mention the very hot, slightly younger, hard working, hard bodied guy I dated for another 2 weeks. My friend Christy knows about him as she was going through the pains of the online dating world during that time as well. We shared many horror stories. Christy, if you’re present during this reading, he was the guy you nicknamed “Gone in 60 Seconds” because that’s how long he lasted in bed. Literally, and that being generous. Guess I should have expected that, as he said he had never masterbated in his life. Ever. Like never. And he had only slept with 1 other woman. He turned out to be a complete psycho. Not sure if he was on the roids or what, but he was a crazy mother fucker that texted me in the middle of the night to break up, saying he couldn’t stand the fact that I had ever had sex with anyone else and that I “must have AIDS”. He moved to NJ the very next day. Then he moved back a couple years later and wanted to date again.

This was just a sampling of the guys I went on dates with. Overall I really only had 2 actual relationships. My 16 year run, and my 1.5 year run.

What I learned from all of this was…..

….drumroll please (someone seriously better be making the drumroll sound now)…..

….that I wanted to date WOMEN.

Guess I should give a shout out to my mom for raising me through some serious hell. I think I turned out ok. Of all the family, friends, and guys that I had in my life, the ones that seriously fucked me over, I could have turned bitter and just had hatred towards people and treated others like I had been treated. But instead, I vowed to never treat anyone the way I was treated. I never, ever, want anyone to feel the things that I felt. I would never walk all over someone, I would never take advantage of someone’s kindness. So even though I lived the solo life and didn’t have much of a social life, I still loved others and had empathy for them. Except that one mother fucker. He can rot in hell.

Anyways….hope those that actually attended had a good time today at my expense. Please sprinkle my ashes over my dogs and cats wet food meals until they’re gone. Just a teaspoonful per meal for the dog, and 1/2 teaspoonful per meal for my cats. Don’t let these Asian ingredients go to waste.

Please enjoy an ice cream from Dairy Corner. Put it on my tab. I should have opened one with my life insurance money. And whoever set this event up better have had it catered by JoJo’s Thai Kitchen in Scarborough. Their pad Thai is the cats ass!! Eat it like it’s your last meal, as it was probably mine.

Peace out ✌🏽❤️

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