I always tell people I’m a loner, and I am. Mostly. Do I hate humans? To an extent. I say that because I don’t understand how most people treat others. I hate how people take advantage of others. I hate how people use others. I hate how people disrespect others. Who is always on the losing end of those things? The kind one. The one that is easy to walk all over and then scrape off their shoe like dog shit when they’re done with them. I’ve been there more times than I’d like to admit. So, I stick to myself. I don’t initiate things with other people. Friends and acquaintances often say things like, “We should go hiking together sometime!” or “We should grab lunch soon!” And honestly, that usually sounds great to me. But the next time I go hiking, I don’t even think to invite anyone. It literally never even crosses my mind. Why? Because I’m not used to hanging out with other humans. Believe it or not, I was a very social person back when I walked away from my boyfriend of 16 years. He isolated me and us as a couple. He had real hatred for people, and he would make fun of my friends on the very rare occasion that I would have someone over the house, and he would give me a guilt trip the couple of times a year that I would actually go out to dinner with friends or co-workers. So when I left that relationship, I did all of those things that I had yearned to do but never did. I started drinking again, too. Not in a bad way, but I wasn’t allowed to drink when I was with him because he was straight edge and had never had a drink or done anything wrong in his life. It’s funny to think back on. He would judge people hard if he knew they ever drank. I’m not talking about alcoholics. I’m talking about adults who drink socially. Therefore, I didn’t touch alcohol for those 16 years for fear of being judged and possibly left alone all because I wanted to have a drink. I was weak. So very weak. I hated that.
So that’s how my loner tendencies started. Then I became very social when I was finally single. I would go out to brunch, lunch, dinner, you name it, with other people. I went to bars for the first time in my life at age 33. I drank freely without fear of being judged or made fun of. It was so fucking liberating, I can’t even put it into words. I remember that feeling of complete freedom.
I started dating several months after the relationship ended. Online dating deserves it’s own blog post, so I won’t get into any juicy details, though I did give a glimpse in my last post. The one good thing about dating is that it gave me confidence. Knowing I could hold a conversation with complete strangers. Knowing I could have a one night stand and get naked with a stranger. How’s that for liberating? I had some good nights with some very hot men. That slutty phase didn’t last too long, relatively speaking. Since I was 100% faithful to my very controlling and elitist boyfriend, I missed out on those years where most girls go crazy. College years, my 20’s, etc. I was trapped and miserable when everyone else was having the time of their lives. So I deserved to have some fun and really figure out who the hell I was, because I had no idea who Kimberly Chan was. It didn’t take me long to figure out that being slutty with random people wasn’t who I was. Also, please know that I use the term slutty in the nicest of ways. I’m not judgmental. I was absolutely a slut and have nothing against women who sleep with multiple people (often at the same time). My belief is that people should be free to do whatever the hell they want, AS LONG AS THEY ARE NOT HURTING OTHER PEOPLE. To me, this means you never mess with someone else’s partner. You never cheat, emotionally or physically. I’m very strict in that belief. Have fun, just don’t hurt anyone.
After I moved past that phase of dating, I realized that I couldn’t have GOOD sex with someone unless I felt a connection with them. That doesn’t happen on the first night, let’s be real. So eventually it just wasn’t worth it. I have a nice collection of vibrators that do more for me than any man ever has. And with today’s technology, we don’t even have to spend money on batteries! Once I discovered rechargeable USB powered vibrators, I really didn’t need a man. I do want to have an emotional connection to another person, so there’s that missing. But then again, I would probably take a bullet for my 50 Shades of Gray vibrator. I’ve been in a committed relationship with that one since the day it came in the mail (pun intended). If you’re on the market for one, TRUST ME when I say that’s the only one you need.
Once I stopped trying to date, and got rid of my online dating accounts, I focused solely on myself. I started doing fun things. This time, I did them alone. My closest friend stopped talking to me after she got a boyfriend and after I started getting tattoos. Not sure if there’s any connections there, but that was the timing. We never fought, but I could tell that when we were both dating she felt threatened by me by some of the things she would say. So that friendship fizzled out rapidly until we simply weren’t friends anymore. To this day, I still have no idea what really happened. Basically I was permanently ghosted by a friend. I had another close friend after that, someone from high school that connected with me as we were both living the single life. Then she started using me for my money. I paid a bill for her once when she didn’t have the money for it and I didn’t want her to lose power since she had a kid as well. After that, she started expecting me to pay her bills when she didn’t have the money, even when she was on a trip to NY city with her boyfriend. After a while, I ended that friendship. But at least I had the courtesy to tell her why. Though admittedly, I didn’t mention the money thing, but I was honest in saying that my life was moving in a different direction with different people that were becoming like family. I had become a skydiving student and was getting immersed in that community.
The point of all of this, is that I’ve gone through the phases of life that others go through over the course of their 20’s and 30’s, except I went through it over the course of maybe 3 years. Nothing in my life has ever been normal, and that’s okay. It just makes it harder in some aspects.
After the friendships and the dating, I started doing everything alone. This was because I came to realize that you can’t depend on anyone but yourself. I still believe this to be true, until someone comes along and proves me wrong. I started skydiving, I went hang gliding, zip lining, did a lot of hiking and cycling. All alone. LIFE WAS GOOD. REALLY GOOD. I loved being single. I loved not dating. I simply loved being alone. I was making friends in skydiving, but that was a bumpy road as I took on way too much all at once. It was like a mid-life crisis, but not a mid-life crisis. I got my motorcycle license. I bought a brand new Ducati Scrambler. I broke my leg. Compound fracture of my tib and fib. The bones came out the front of my leg. The only thing that made the fracture okay was that I was lifting weights in the gym at least 4 days a week, I was in the most amazing shape of my life. Lifting weights makes your bones strong as fuck. The surgeon asked me if I was a weight lifter after I regained consciousness after the surgery. The break was clean across both bones, with almost no fragments for him to remove. This also made my recovery a super fast one. But that recovery was also a very dark time for me. I own my house, I take care of my own house (I do the lawn mowing, snow blowing, cleaning, etc). When the doctors tell you that can only put 10% of your weight on your leg and you’re on crutches, you can’t do shit. For the very first time in my life, I had to ask for help. I had to rely on others. It’s cliche, but these are the times that you realize who your real friends are. People that I never would have guessed, came over and brought me meals. An old high school friend came over and cleaned my house (I supplied her with weed of course). I was very depressed because not only did I have to rely on others, but I also had no gym in my life during this time. So I had my personal trainer/friend come over and she helped me figure out some strengthening exercises I could do while sitting in a chair. This got me motivated and I started going to the gym as soon as my doctor gave me the clear. I was lifting weights in the gym on crutches. I felt so good again. So yes, I do actually like people, but only the genuine people, the good people. The others I simply don’t bother with, or at least I try not to. I just do my own thing.
I adopted my dog, Peach, at the end of January 2017. I was actually in a relationship at the time, and he had been living with me. This is serious, as you can imagine I wouldn’t let just anyone move into my home. Big mistake. The biggest mistake of my life, but I wouldn’t fully realize it until my bank account was empty, I had accumulated debt that I never had before, and my heart was broken. And now I had a rescue dog to take care of alone, and I hadn’t had a dog as an adult before. I had to put her in daycare since I work 45+ hours a week and am the only one maintaining my house and trying to take care of a dog and 2 cats (which can’t be out together, which makes everything day to day take 10 times longer than it should). He left us high and dry. I’m so over it that I don’t even want re-hash that train wreck. But it was a case of a con artist promising a lot but delivering nothing but lies and taking my money without hesitation. He will never pay me back, and I finally accepted that a few months ago. He strung me along way longer than I should have allowed. One of my biggest rules in any relationship or friendship is that you never, ever fuck with someone else’s hard earned money. I came from nothing and made every penny on my own, often supporting others like my mother before she died, friends, and now this scumbag of a boyfriend. This is why I don’t trust people. This is why I tell people I’m a loner. This is why I never depend on others (unless I break a leg or something). I am more than happy to help others at the drop of a dime, but I never expect anyone to help me. Again, I still like people, but only the good ones.
Do I miss hanging out with people? Yes, I do. There are many times when I feel like going out for lunch and maybe even having an adult beverage and some good conversation. But I never ask anyone to hang out. So for my friends that are reading this, just know that if I ever do ask you to hang out, it really means something.
All of the above is why I am a lonely loner. I accept the fact that I will likely be single for the rest of my life. I accept the fact that I will likely never hang out with friends on a regular basis. But I do miss human interaction at times and I miss the times I used to have with friends. Luckily for me, I found the best partner, co-pilot, companion, best friend and soul mate in my rescue dog, Peach. She is my world. Everything I do is for her and my boys, Mario & Yoshi. Other things matter, but nothing else truly matters. To be able to give them all an amazing life, filled with all the love from my heart and soul, is what fulfills me. This is why I am on this earth. To make others happy. At least when I make animals happy, they appreciate it and they never hurt me. That’s a lot more than I can say about most people.
Even though there are times when I feel alone, I know that my animals will make me smile just by being by my side. Respect, loyalty, love. That’s all I ever wanted and that’s all I have to give. I’m a very simple woman.
I’m still recovering from that train wreck of a relationship financially and will be for years to come because I have a lot more bills now with a dog (with daycare, it’s honestly the same as having a child). But I’m figuring out life once again, this time differently. Once I get balance back into my life, I hope to form a friendship with someone (most likely a woman at this point!) that turns into something more over time. I will never be forced or convinced to rush into a relationship again. I would rather be single.
Therefore, I am a lonely loner.
Please enjoy some photos of my girl from a recent beach sesh, today’s hike, and sunsets from last night and tonight. These are the things I do for fun now.