Mother’s Day: As Told by a Motherless & Childless 45 Year Old Woman

Mother’s Day is always filled with such mixed feelings…

I long for the mother I lost when I was 29.

I long for the type of relationship that she and I never had. 

I long for the fact that she never got to see me happy. 

I long for never finding the right person to have children with. 

I question whether or not I should have adopted after I left a controlling relationship that spanned close to 2 decades. I don’t regret the choice I made at that critical time of my life, but it sure would have been nice to raise a child in all the ways that I wasn’t able to be raised. To provide a safe home for a small human. I don’t throw shade on my mom, she did the best she could when the cards were stacked against her.

So here I sit, in my home, alone with my fur babies. Giving them the things I never had, like a safe, stable home with anything they could ever need or want.

I changed my lifestyle for my dog, Peach. I gave up going to the gym and riding my bike almost every day. I gave up skydiving. I gave up and dedicated all the free time I had before her to work on changing her emotional response to all the things that scared her.

I took her to trainers and took on training myself, even going to conferences to learn about canine behavior so I could understand how to do better for her. That took years and will always be an ongoing thing to some degree. And I will always protect her in ways that she’ll never understand. 

I bought this house for my babies. I dumped an insane amount of money into this house to make it comfortable for everyone under my roof at that time. I literally work to give my animals the best care and life. 

The rest is just fluff.

Some of us are out here making the most of the life that we ended up with, and becoming the best versions of ourselves that we possibly can. 

It’s a privilege to be able to do this, and I acknowledge that deeply. 

I have not had a good run with love in any form, in my 45 years on earth. But I know how to love, and perhaps even better than some, because I know how it feels to go without it…

…and how it feels to lose it without warning. 

I don’t take it for granted.

My mothering will only be for animals in this life, and that’s ok because I strive to be the best fucking pet mom ever. 

There are many different versions of what being a mother looks like, in my opinion.

So Happy Mother’s Day to everyone out there that loves unconditionally, makes sacrifices, and takes care of other souls in every way…mentally, emotionally, logistically.