Yup. Tomorrow I turn 39 years old. I’m not sure what significance that has on anything, to be honest. But every year that passes, I tend to reflect on whatever got me here.
When I think back on my entire life, it’s in chapters (how cliche!). Childhood, teenage years, then it’s simply pre-relationship and post-relationship. There’s a huge chunk of time that is (unfortunately) just a lump of shitty years where nothing good happened, other than building my career. But in those last few years of that relationship, I lost my mother, my best friend, and my cat. So there’s that. Then from 2013 until now, it’s just been extremes. The best times of my life, but also some of the darkest times of my life. I had found a happy medium until someone came along that I let fuck it all up. Now I’ve spent most of this year putting my life back together, though financially it won’t be back together for quite some time. It’s unfortunate, too, since this year I also finally realized why I was put here on Earth. Now I can’t pursue my dreams until I get my finances in order. So those will go on the back burner while I try to keep my head above water.
When you ask yourself what makes you truly happy, what comes into your mind, using just single words…..? For me, it’s security. After the childhood I had, and the relationships (all 2 of them), and the friendships, and the losses I’ve had, security is something that was always missing. Everyone leaves. Some fuck you over first, others just ghost you for no reason at all. So you know where I have to find my security? In myself. I find happiness in knowing that I have and maintain a home for myself and my 3 fur children (I fucking hate that term….). I find happiness in knowing that at the end of every day, no matter if it was good or bad, that I have a roof over my head and 3 souls that are super happy to see me.
So, I am happy. I’m 39 tomorrow. I’m single with no intentions of dating, no intentions of hooking up, no intentions of anything. I stick to myself and the only ones that I KNOW love me no matter what, and that I know will be there at the door anxiously awaiting my return after a long, hard day. Though there is no guarantee that they will be there tomorrow, at least I know that it’s only the things that are beyond their control that would prevent them from being there for me.
I’m typing this blog post from a cabin on mid-coast Maine. I reserve a cabin here a handful of times every year, for the past few years. After adopting my rescue girl Peach, she has now been here 4 or 5 times with me. She loves it. It gives us bonding time, outside of the daily grind, the daily routines, the daily stresses. We were here together last year on my birthday as well. I used to do these things alone, but now I have my soul mate velcro’d to my side. We catch up on sleep in the king size bed, we watch Pitbulls & Parolees, we enjoy the fireplace, we go for a hike, we enjoy playing on the private beach, I get really stoned, and together we simply enjoy each others company. I realize it sounds stupid, and I realize that not a lot of people go away alone all the time. But it’s simple and I’m happy being simple. As I get older, and after the last few years of my crazy behavior living the single life pre-Peach, I realize that “boring” is good, at least for me. I will always appreciate the little things, like security and the only form of true, unconditional love that comes with having animals in your life.
So….happy birthday to me. This is, by far, the best birthday I’ve had in my 39 years. Thank you, universe, for bringing me here. Thank you, Peach, for making my life whole.
Here are some pics from the cabin and our hike today….