Emotional compost for the holidays

Being asked how my Christmas was, is the equivalent of when I was a kid and friends would ask me what I got for presents. Having to think of something to say, but make light of it, gets old.

When I was a kid, I had to make things up because some Christmas’ I didn’t get anything. That’s what happens when your mom is poor and we barely had food and sometimes didn’t even have a place to live. That’s reality for some families.

Being asked by a co-worker how my Christmas was made me feel the same way I did as a kid. I turned 44 recently and out of those 44 years, I’ve had one Christmas where I felt loved (and was truly in love) and had my own little family. It didn’t last unfortunately. That was back in 2021.

I realize I haven’t written anything here in a few years, but my life has dramatically changed in that time. In a nutshell:

I came out as a lesbian at age 41, had my first same sex relationship, combined households with said partner despite having dogs and cats that needed to be separated, my evil father finally died, and I caught the love of my life cheating on me the next day. I had welcomed 3 more dogs and another cat into my daily life and cared for them as if they were my own. I even bought a house that could accommodate everyone’s needs. I literally spent a massive chunk of my retirement to get this dream house, which I never would have bought if I had still been single. But please know that this house was the silver lining of that failed relationship.

That’s been the closest thing to a real family that I’ve ever had. Last Christmas I was still in that relationship, but it was crumbling. And to top it off, we lost power at the house which ruined our plans for the holiday. I stayed home and took care of all 7 animals, while keeping the generator going and making sure the animals all had heat and were cared for. Meanwhile I told my girlfriend to go to her parents in Connecticut without me, so her mother didn’t throw a tantrum. The icing is that her mother still berated me to the family, saying I didn’t want to go see them and was making up excuses. Little does she know that I shopped for AND bought all of the gifts for her and their entire family (including aunts and uncles). I can never win.

We lost power for 3 whole days. I was NOT making any excuses, that I can guarantee you. This is Maine in December, it’s not warm here. In fact, the temps were absolutely freezing. I was literally saving my house (that I had basically bought for her daughter) and caring for our animals. So I got to spend Christmas alone. Again.

So last year was a very memorable holiday for me. The whole month of December was hell, and it’s my birthday month. My girlfriend never did anything for my birthday, literally nothing. And while that seems petty of me to say, I have to kindly disagree. I don’t ask for anything from anyone all year. But on my birthday, I do hope for some quality time with the person I’m in love with. It can cost literally zero dollars.

Another very memorable Christmas was back in 2008. On Christmas Eve, I got a call from the hospital in Michigan that my mom was on a respirator and that I needed to come soon. So I flew out on Christmas and found my mom, unconscious and unable to breathe on her own. While sitting by her bed, I found a bible in the room and opened it up to where the bookmark was. There was a hand written note from her neighbor, Linda. The note was written to “Karen’s daughter”. The note said that my mother was a wonderful person and she left her # for me to call and let her know if she was alright.

Here’s where things took a crazy turn…

My mom regained consciousness and was able to get off the respirator, which was a Christmas miracle since I was told that she would likely not make it. However, the first thing she said when she came to was, “I need a cigarette.” She had smoked her entire life, starting as a teenager or maybe even before.

Trying to explain calmly to my mother that she cannot have a cigarette and that it was Christmas and I had just flown out to be with her, was like talking to a brick wall. She wasn’t hearing any of it and just kept demanding to smoke. At that point, I went to find her doctor. He told me that he could give her a nicotine patch, but he wasn’t going to because the nicotine was already out of her system and so this was just psychological.

I had to break the news to her, that she couldn’t have a cigarette OR a patch. This did not go over well. She was obsessed and now becoming very angry. After I repeatedly gave her the same answer, she then yells at me, “You fucking cunt!!!”

I broke down in tears, packed my shit, and flew home. Clearly she was alive and going to make it, so I left.

That was the first Christmas in many years that I had spent with her, and it was also the last one I would have with her because she passed away 6 months later.

Fast foward to the spring of 2017…

I got an email from my ex (who I was with for 16 years), saying that his mother had committed suicide and left a journal. That journal contained a short list of a few people that she missed. I was on that list, and she referred to me as her “Christmas Angel”. I hadn’t seen her since the break up in 2013, and I assumed she hated me for leaving her son, so I never had the balls to reach out to her. Talk about one of the worst regrets of my life.

Every year, for 16 years, I would be her little Christmas angel and would give her a list of what her son wanted, what I wanted, and I would even go out and get some of the gifts for her if it was too much for them to do. Then on the big day, I would be the one to hand out all the gifts because he didn’t want to and his parents couldn’t exactly get down on the floor at their age.

I guess I never realized how much those little gestures meant to her. Let that be a lesson. Small gestures can mean the world to someone.

Back to present day…

This year was the worst holiday season I’ve had in a long time, probably ever.

This was the first time living through the holidays alone in this house, the house that I basically bought for my ex-girlfriend (and the dogs). I’ve been mentally healthy for many months now, after a lot of work with my therapist. But when Christmas Eve eve came, I couldn’t sleep that night at all. And when the sun came up, I was in a very dark place. I spent the day crying and driving around. I took Peach to the beach and barely remember most of the day. I felt like I had completely lost myself, and everything inside of me just went numb.

Thankfully I recovered on Christmas day and felt much better about things. But it was like I had relapse of all the anger and depression I had worked so hard to push through. I was getting hit on all sides…past, present, and mourning the future.

I know this is all normal, and I do believe that this was a last hoorah for my depression. I believe that 2024 is going to be a good year, and it will start out clean and untainted. Whatever else I bring to the new year is on me, but the other shit that was done TO me is officially in the past now (by calendar year at least).

I am hopeful that one day I will have my own little family and we will make our own memories together. Then the good memories can outweigh the bad ones.

I do believe that I am exactly where I’m meant to be. But it’s also okay to feel a wide range of emotions. I like to call it emotional compost. You can be sad and happy at the same time. You can be down about the past but hopeful for the future.

Emotional compost has no rules.

I wrote all of this in hopes that it will remind others to be kind, especially during times like this. The holidays are (and should be), full of fun and quality time with loved ones.

But for some of us, it’s a painful reminder of those we have lost and those that never were.

My heart goes out to all of the broken hearted.